I missed Kampot
Originally my plan was to be gone a week for some “me time” to Kampot. I particularly chose the city because of our last visit there. Its a peaceful retreat, slower, different restaurants and coffee shops and its farther away. There is also this vibe to it which I really enjoyed in August. Back then, the weather was just so perfect even with afternoon rain showers some days.
One night I sat along the river beach and watched sunset creep in and the Bokor Mountains tint to blues. There were tables setup and food and beer being served.
The clouds had this wonderful evening glow and I was just across the street from our guesthouse there. I got to sit there and watch the evening find the way. People showed up by sunset and a funny event was that they had plenty of beer but somehow the ice had not come. The khmer manager came out to apologize and let me know things were delayed but soon my beer would be cold. After that, they were very adept at ensuring as I ordered another set of beers that I had enough ice.
Mostly it was sitting there. Finding this space to not have the usual Siem Reap things around me. The river there is completely different. Its wider and more active and with the mountains right there the scenes just look different. I really enjoyed the week we spent but I also had this feeling on the long bus and van ride home.
I did not want to leave there. I wanted to stay longer. To find some mystical essence of life there spent with coffee along the riverfront area. Small restaurants and bars that got busy as the sun went down. The sense that life had somehow slowed down and that I wanted more of it.
I kinda decided then that I would have to come back alone. I don’t know why it was important to do the trip that way. It just seemed I need space in my life. Some distance from the usual events where it has seemed travel was this rushed event. We would go for three days to Battambang. Run around there. Go do the usual things. Then back home. This did not seem like it was working any more for me. I got no sense of relaxation or being able to reset a little bit of life into a slower mode or find a temple or pagoda to go sit at and feel how the spiritual, physical, and mental all combine.
We got back and I had told my wife I really needed time alone. It has always been this house. I cannot enjoy time here and I’ve given up trying. It has become challenging to even want to spend an afternoon some days here. Then the puppies came. I knew then I would not be able to go. I have this thing with the animals that I get close to. I do not like to hear them cry, be in pain, need companionship. They always feel like family. Even if, in the end, I did not really want them. I felt I needed to be there for them. The worst part this time was not even being asked if it were a thing I wanted. I would have likely said no. We tried the dog thing before and it didn’t work. I cannot do a half-assed job with a dog. It is all the way with them. I expect others to also feel they are family or why in the world would they be in our house? If they are not gonna be family and accepted why have them.
It became apparent then I would not go to Kampot or even a few days to Phnom Penh. I would do nothing because of the dogs. No one here would really take care of them the way I knew or felt it should be. We should give a little to them because if we have them in our lives they give us a lifetime of love and dedication. Anything less than that and I would not feel good.
I’m explaining all this for both the reason of not going to Kampot or anywhere alone and the fact now that the dogs have gone back to the family member who originally brought them to us. I’m sad to not have them but I also feel I was abused a bit because people assumed it would all be okay and I was never even asked.
I don’t want to sound particularly selfish or focusing only on my needs but if I don’t do that sometimes, who will? I still need this time away from the house. I need time to go feel other things without worrying about my wife having a good time or us doing the same things she enjoys. I am personally not good at doing any of the same things. Same restaurant, same coffee, same walk. I need some change. I need to invent the change because I decide on difference.
So what I figured today is I will still be going. My friend Paul in Hanoi again invited me out for some time. The Hanoi thing has been more painful for me since I have privately felt it is my home for a long time and at the same time I have acknowledged I cannot have it. That makes it a rather painful and sublime feeling when I consider going there. It is never “going back”. I always feel I will go the first time. Just again.
Now I do not know how I will go and what it will mean. I just know if I don’t find my own path for some time, life will become less enjoyable when I do have the times around others here. I need the balance of time where I invent the moments to the other times when people around me seem to create moments I am subscribed to. Like with the dogs. Like with some people. Like with events.
I got this feeling I will do Kampot before I do Vietnam. It could be November and I will try again. I would still want a week alone. I cannot explain why it is so important to be alone. It is just this gut feel. So take it from the gut.
My take is when someone feels it at a primal level that they should try to go do the thing. It’s not about learning new things. More of it is to find whatever it is the soul and spirit want. New or not. One day long ago I sat along the Mekong River in Can Tho Vietnam. There was this little pub that served ice cold tiger beers. I was alone and watched just how Can Tho gave the evening. I had a few or more beers and then felt this consuming peace. This sense that everything I had at that moment was all I needed. I remember to this day that my friend Lily there told me to take my time. She would go see friends. She realized we all need both the social and private.
Somehow life here has become distanced from one and bathed in the other. I’ll let you decide which is which.
Meanwhile, I’ll silently start journaling a new plan. Little sentences now and then about a trip to Kampot yet again. My daughter here told me a while ago to go rent a nice hotel or guesthouse here. For whatever reason she gets it. She will say,
daddy you need what it is you will take. So please go do it for you.
She’s a forever sweetie. She also was one going to give me the money to go to Hanoi when my friend Paul was hospitalized. It never came to that because even with Pneumonia Paul had this wonderful strength and came back home. Still the result was I never went and I have not been back since 2023. That part hurts still.
I’ll take Kampot. That view along the river with sun glinting the clouds. The lamps swaying with the soft and warm breezes that seem multiplied by the river. The sense of a table, a chair, a cold beer. Mostly doing it because I was alone and it felt like the right thing at the time.
I need that again. The thing that’s right at the time for me to go do.
☕️☕️ 8 min read