Home Places
Lately I’ve wanted some kind of change in the things I do. How I really want to have some kind of home in words. Not words over on some social media site or wallowing in favorites and boosts. More of a place I could hold. A place I could own and feel. A start of a thing. Not just where blog posts go when I’m done.
Lately this feeling has been overwhelming at times. This unhappiness with my mere presence on the fediverse. How I felt I wanted different. Wanted to just have a single place to call home. This blog. This place really is it. It’s where my words start. I kinda made this. Little bits and bytes of 11ty. I wanted to say at the end of the day,
yeah. This is mine. Here is where I sit down and have a say.
Whether it’s Cambodia or life or coffee. It’s my say and for some time I felt it was lost in the measures of toots and cross posting. Like somewhere the message felt lost. Like I found but lost it all.
So I decided things needed a reset. The old journal had to go. I wanted to make room in my senses and soul for how I am now. It’s easy to just delete. But deleting is only half. Restarting is the other. I needed both. Maybe new ways of it too. Ways to capture my markdown. To feel the journal daily. Both things are my starting point. Each fulfills a need but not the same. The journal lets me find the innermost and keep it there. The blog lets me find that but take it out. Let you see it. Both are worthwhile. So basic to how I see life going.
But lately…
Lately not so good. I find myself questioning and despairing things I held up before. I’ve been open about my feelings living here. This is not the thing I wanted. I cannot have that thing how I would want it. Siem Reap became not a replacement or a second best. It became this place I could stop. Maybe at some point call it home. That’s a tall order though. So instead it’s a day to day thing. Like living here. I silently acknowledge that what I really want is Hanoi. I cannot have that. So I just at times let it go. It becomes buried in the daily.
Then for some reason it comes again. This feeling. Sometimes sadness. This wanting. Now is how that goes and it’s kinda painful. It leaves me down and looking at the house here doesn’t do much to lift me up. I’ve also been honest about this place. This house is simply not it. It is not a place to take the day and become a home. It never will. I will always be a step behind. Lost in that previous moment.
Instead of forever living that way I just take what it is. Have my coffee. Write the blogpost. And remember. Sometimes forget.
That’s life like right now folks. Some of this. None of that fediverse presence. I just go on anyways. Maybe write more of this life and that other one. How the two combine and pull apart. Separate into my now and then.
Got it.
☕️ 3 min read