This morning we went for soup across the street first. We always tend to stop at a coffee place and talk about things which I really enjoy. Alin tells me how she wants the house we will build together. How she wants to cook for me, have me out walking and come back and she will say hello from front yard. It is like a dream in some regards but it will be a reality as time goes by. Alin has this focus on things to get them done so we will go slowly. She asks what it is I want when we have a home. Of course, I say,
a dog please!
She just shakes her head and mutters about caring and feeding for the dog and lets me know she won’t pick up dog poopie. But she knows we will have a dog and we may get one sooner and change where we live if the apartment manager continues at the same level of non-support they do now. Alin has family that owns a house outside of town and we could stay there and not pay rent at all.
The main thing is sitting at the coffee shop with her. Listening to her laugh and tell me more about things she has done. She sometimes asks what it was like to live in such a place for awhile. I guess I’ve been fortunate to wander around. She is especially interested in Mexico and loves the photos of Bacalar there. Most of all, she will ask almost daily about my daughter. Or as she says “our daughter”. She has already accepted Arry into the family. The talk continues past family to our going to Kampot. Neither of us are really looking forward to that trip. I don’t really care for the place. It always has seemed kinda dirty and small to me while Siem Reap seems open and accessible. But we will leave Tuesday on a minivan to Phnom Penh and then rent a car to take us to Kampot. By 8pm we will arrive and check-in to guest house. We discuss things to get done there. She holds my hand. Looks at me. Tells me she loves me so much and to always remember she is mine. I have all of her she will tell me. That’s a lot! After I have two lattes we head back to our apartment or room or whatever it is. For her to make arrangements for dinner food. For me, to put on the Merrill shoes and get ready to do the thing which I always think on each day.
Now I just sit and kinda wait for something. Maybe my iPhone to charge just a little. Maybe some words to skip along but with words they always do. So I think will let this wait until I walk in a bit and see what the steps take to me.
Now I’ll just add a little more to this thing as I walk. Maybe take a photo or two of things. Find flowers to share with Alin. Wend my way down smaller side streets forever in search of the elusive and small things which I’ve always loved finding whether down alleys in Taipei or Tokyo.
Later that same day…
And I walked. Walking became the thing and then became just the feeling of right here, right now. The bench. The warm Cambodian sun. Steps that seemed to take me from now to now. Finally I turned corners and found my way back to Taphul street. My street. I had the desire to stop and get ice cream and water. So I did. Sat awhile. Dreamed and wondered. Maybe this flower came along. I see them all the time when I go.
I share them as I must. Alin loves flowers.
Walking home Alin and our Khmer friend’s son on her moto. She mentioned going out to look at some land. Suddenly I had the strangest premonition Kampot will not happen.
I don’t know. I don’t lead. Alin knows and when she decides she tells me how it will be. She always looks at things, perhaps makes a change. Wants something different. For me I want of nothing. I need nothing out there besides what my heart has already been given. I only need Alin. And she knows.
So now I sit wondering if she will change things. Decide on another course. Walk over to me at the pool. Smile. I can almost hear her voice…
Lovely? Can we talk awhile?
And who am I to negate? Truth is I want for no things. Things do nothing for me personally. Once this life gave me another heart and soul I found all was full.
Later I think she will tell me what she wants. She’ll smile the beautiful smile. Tell me how it can be if we don’t do Kampot.
And this Saturday ends at the pool for me. A walk. A love. A day. Soon a little mindfulness. A jab of now. Only being. Not having.
This blogpost also has been tested and found to be ready. Just enough introspection and desire and other things.