Insomnia rules the night
It seems that for some time sleep, any kind of sleep, is some far away goal. I sometimes get to sleep but an odd noise or a whisper of breeze or a thing I think I hear means wakefulness. Then if it’s 4am or later there is no more sleep. I sit with the phone or sometimes the kindle reading or pretending to read. Feeling how sore my eyes are. Closing them. Jockeying for position just heightens the effect. It’s like this old body says,
You’re done. No matter what you do sleep won’t return.
So I lay in bed. 5am comes and time for medicine for alin. I gently wake her and I think often she does not sleep again either. 7am arrives and we think on arranging our day. I’m exhausted before I start.
Today I met an acquaintance for coffee. We talked awhile. The usual cast of characters. His ex Khmer girl friend. His this. His that. I just listen. Pretend to pay attention. Watch people walking by. My eyes sting. Coffee is momentary so I use it. I get the faster pulse. Heightened awareness. Then it’s gone when I’m walking. I determine to do as far as I want so I do. I’m sweating good because it’s so humid after our morning rain. Get back home.
The bed looks like a sentence so I take time at the pool. With the kindle and my iPhone. I feel it all settle down. I’m tired. But I cannot just sleep.
Why? I’ve asked myself thousands of times. There’s no answer in the early morning movements of wind and rain and the infrequent car or scooter going by. No spark of understanding. No moment of reason.
Alin will say it’s because of the 5am medicine thing. I don’t know. I just do know I try all the things. I walk. Do yoga peacefully. Meditate. Nothing comes along to make it better.
So I will sit at the pool. Feel the lift of walking slowly settle. I’m done. Done with wondering. Done with writing. Done with hoping tonight will be any better. I think in a irrational way I will drink more beer and just sleep but beer does not do that. I just sleep worse. Have bad dreams. Feel a wreck after.
It’s a prison with no bars. No friendly jailer to offer me a way out. Just the never ending tiredness and still feeling happy. How is that? Because so much of my life is good. Perhaps it’s like where I read somewhere. Rarely are all the parts in synchronous harmony. Wasn’t it the Japanese that said,
We all are in three parts. The way we see ourselves, the way others see us, the way we are
I have this feeling I’m stumbling within the walls separating each part and life seems destined to let me see all three but do it with bleary eyes and tired mind.
At some point I will find an answer. A new place where sleep and wakefulness combine with the rest of life. Until then…
Let it just be. I’ll deal.