A week left

Today had lunch with my wonderful Vietnamese friend Van and her son. No. No Vietnamese food. Burgers. I got the choice today so we went back to SunKats where we all enjoyed the food. I liked watching her son enjoy the delicious hamburgers they make. We got to talk a little bit. Van is like family to me. She holds my hand and hugs me often. Tells me I should just stay in Hanoi. Of course cannot do that. It would be so easy. Damned easy really. To just stay. I love this city so much. It’s core and fiber. It’s veins and life. It all seems to converge in me. Life here is a mix of

Hurry up and wait

Or as we say here and it’s been said so many times,

Same same but different

I’ve come here many times. Came to Vietnam sometimes when I felt sad and others grateful. I’ve found times here to write and take photos. To go and stop. A coffee shop to do the latter. But my feet and desire and need carry me on. The city is gracious and kind. But I’ve felt while I love it and need it and perhaps it needs me, it’s not home. For years there was no home. Just a succession of countries and Airbnb and hotel rooms. Many good. Some bad.

When I came in 2020 little did I know the world would change. That Covid would arrive and I then felt this lack of desire to leave. So I stayed. Gradually Hanoi took over. It showed me life and happiness and some sadness. I found this little piece of it all in Tay Ho district and became an uncle yet again.

Now though time has spun and changed and again has convinced me it does not exist. All of our pernicious and sad apps and methods and techniques to manage it fail. Because dammit it don’t exist. We always want order but life is not order. And life took me to Mexico in 2021 and 2022 and then back. Back to an Edge that balances precariously but allows me in. And that little piece was Cambodia. It took me and I took a home from it. Siem Reap was this warm place and it became this treasured thing. Home.

Now I wish to wander again so I will go in April. I don’t know where and that’s the best part. Knowing where is like knowing when. Who the fuck cares? The biggest thing is being and doing. Right here. Right now. So right here and now it’s coffee along a street I know well in Hanoi. Tomorrow is a blank. A tabula rosa of spirit and soul. Not known.

What I do know is now. And now I’m happy. I write here. Maybe you read here. I dunno. Meanwhile cheers and as I’d tell my friend lily,

Here’s mud in your eye

Go and blow up a timeline. Give yourself a break. Have some mud in your eye.

January 15, 2023