There’s a particularly painful part for me that has been going on for a year now. I’ve had this one person that has put up with me, loved me, drank with me. Told me her secrets. She lives in Can Tho Vietnam. So the distance plus the time has sometimes been painful. She also is not good sometimes with feelings or telling me.
I think the last time I saw her was in Hanoi in 2021 or perhaps my 2020 birthday. Things seemed normal and nice and we held hands and talked over a hotpot. I felt like I would just live in Vietnam. That Hanoi would be home. It sure felt like it.
But as time and events have proven way too many times, never depend on a thing happening or not. Assuredly the opposite will instead occur.
Then there’s today on WhatsApp when she told me she was not sleeping well. And had not been for a month. The distance between us helps little and Vietnamese culture is much different so it has been hard for her to express herself. This combination has proven particularly bad since I sometimes want her to say a thing but she simply cannot on WhatsApp.
So we go back and forth and now my time gets closer to leave Mexico and then the US. Then I move out the time to get back to Vietnam for a few reasons. I need to settle a bit, find a place to live, do the basics in Siem Reap. She gets it. But she really does not. And that hurts.
Having only one person and her being half the world away is not a recipe for either of us to feel happy. So I say things about coming back and she says what she can.
But nothing can be said really. So I write here. Perhaps the words yield some closure but words hardly ever do. So I wait and she does…
And she said,
please come to me
And it’s difficult as hell with what she says.